I looked at his 6 string - all baige.
Those damned half-mirrored surfaces,
reflected my rage.
Luck on him is bestowed
Not on us. Our fault? Tell us.
Yes. I'm-------------Jealous.
I tried as hard as him - or more.
Worked my pitch, my scale, my rhythem,
all of it before.
He played better. He won.
But why? How? - I was his teacher.
Bloody--------------------Leecher.
I see the prize. I get ready to kill.
Sign from Satan. Knife - by the side.
Anger - to my fill.
Scared by the string?
Leave it alone? Let it be? Shut it?
I---------------------------cut it.
Wrapped, the junk, back for the victor.
Nice lesson!- My achievement for today.
Ha! Have your award, Sir!
-------------------------------------
Came back for the morning class.
Boy! has got guts. Prize! still covered?
You--------------------------coward.
"You're the real winner. Yours." said he.
I was happy. I was sad. I was shocked.
I wasn't ready.
I couldn't stand my presence.
Tried hard to hide my tears, my pain.
All----------------------------in vain!
Note: Each para is actually 2 half paragraphs with rhyme sequence aba, cdd respectively. The dots are meant to create a pause-effect , showing that the teacher is actually unsure of what to do. And finally through the last words succumbs to instinct.
11 comments:
excellent...
very nice theme, wonderfully written, amazing style of writing.
It was light, yet it was touching.
i especially liked this paragraph-
"Wrapped, the junk, back for the victor.
Nice lesson!- My achievement for today.
Ha! Have your award, Sir!
-------------------------------------
Came back for the morning class.
Boy! has got guts. Prize! still covered?
You------------------------------coward."
It showed beautifully the teacher's thought and feeling...
the ending was very nice indeed.
"I tried as hard as him - or more.
Worked my pitch, my scale, my rhythem,
all of it before.
He played better. He won.
But why? How? - I was his teacher.
Bloody--------------------Leecher."
speaks a lot, doesn't it? The teacher knows his student played better, but doesn't wanna accept that...
The best part i feel is the manner in which the poem is written, (new for me)..note the lat line of each paragraph
Exellent, nishu, keep writing...i learn a lot from you...
thanks for the comments yaar. bahut critically padha hai tumne lagta hai. And its always nice to know that some one likes your work. Thanks again
I don't like poetry,
I can't understand it.
Your work touched me,
for you tell the story of a jealous teacher,
and who am I but Cain,
my hands red with blood that is all so mine...
I don't like poetry,
I can't understand it.
Your work touched me,
for you tell the story of a jealous teacher,
and who am I but Cain,
my hands red with blood that is all so mine...
the student reminds one of the song "Wind Beneath My Wings". Also there seem to be some undercurrents from the movie "Sur". However,Nice effort. It was something i could relate to. The execution is very nice . However, at times the rythm is missing and the poem goes into blank verse. I don't like blank verse and that lessened the appeal of this poem a bit. But in the end the poem touched me. Keep it up. Cheers
someone asked me to comment on this work though i m not well known to the poet.
really liked the style of telling a very simple story, a ballad kind of effect is very much present in the poet's work...
its obvious from your work that you want to keep to the rhythm, just try and get it a bit more naturally, this work looks like a forced rhythm..
but the story is amazing and lucid, so simple to understand and enjoy!
however please try and exclude the prolonged dots you have used in the last line of the poem...this doesn't really fall into any grammar of poetry!
lastly would again congratulate you for this work of yours!
poetry is not my cup of tea.....for me it's really hard to find the word having the rhyme effect and the same feeling that one wants to express...hats off to you... a great work indeed in such a small fraction of time...
After reading the poem the movie"Sur"came into my mind(hope you have seen that).By the way i have never came across a teacher having a jealous feeling about his own student.
Nevertheless great work and some of the lines are really touchy,especially bloody...leecher and student giving back his award ......
You have a great talent dude!! continue writing, but personally i would like to have a prose from you rather than poetry......waiting for your next blog....
A well explored territory, sure.. but the work is so fresh, it hardly gives you the feeling of one.
The pause effect you mentioned was great..like a cool breeze hitting your face.
Someone wrote something about the 'grammar of poetry'. I choose to differ.. I personally don't believe there are any hard and fast rules as to how poetry is written. Poetry is more about 'effect' and this one did have one.
Keep experimenting dude..if this is what your experiments result in!! Brilliant work, indeed!
I do agree with Sayan, though ! At times, the poem does fall into blank verse.. the lines seem to be looking desperately for, trying hard to get back some lost rhythm. In the end, it just manages to manage fine. But it definitely would have been a hell lot better without that.
On all other counts, it more than just passes with distinction. Congratulations once again !!
i think,i would never be able to write anything to which i dont relate.can you tell me what inspired you?
and yes like everyone else here,i too was sort of mesmerised by the verse,the best part was the beautiful style in the last line of each stanza.
...and following this one i read all your creations in this blog in one go.i had to,i must say
terrific poem...
hats off 4 dat pause effect...
i loved d emotion it reflected...
d poem reminded me of less talked about film named "sur" starring lucky ali as d envious tcher
keep writing bhaiya...
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